


Royalty is a State of Mind

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Royalty, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Dirk's Issues, Drunk Sex, First Time, M/M, Oblivious Jake, Scandal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-21
Updated: 2014-10-29
Packaged: 2018-02-18 05:28:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2336867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being the prince is difficult enough without having a crush on some loser island-boy. After all, what would people think if you were to be with him? Every prince needs a princess, not another goddamn prince, right? That's what everyone thinks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dirk: Sneak Out of the Palace

**Author's Note:**

> So I know I promised another Homestuck fic after I finished _Sell Your Soul_ , but honestly I've been kinda bummed about the neverending gigapause and haven't been writing. Also I started college recently and have been really getting into my cosplay, so no time has been dedicated to my writing in quite some time. However, I'm happy to announce that I'm changing that! So let's start up some more DirkJake lovin', eh?

Your name is Dirk Strider, and you are the Prince.

Years have gone into building your social reputation. You attend parties, but very few. You sponsor benefits, but never put your face on the publishing. As such, these duties tend to fall instead on the shoulders of your mother, the Queen.

It's not like she doesn't have any free time, anyway. The Royal Family doesn't run the government like in days past, you're a public figure. You raise money for charitable organizations and protect the image of the country rather than its security.

It's easy enough, you suppose. But you can probably credit your lack of duties to the fact that you aren't the most sociable person. Neither of the boys in your family are, you and Dave are stoic, unapproachable, hard to see as royalty to be honest. Your sisters are very different from you and Dave.

Rose is probably the next hardest to approach, but regality is her middle name. She's highly intelligent, proper, and a genius at charming benefactors and officials. Roxy is...unstable, you think. But her raging alcoholism aside, she's always had a knack for getting people to agree with her. She's naturally friendly and easy to get along with.

Dave could be friendly if he tried, but you think he likes imitating you sometimes. And sure that might sound selfish, but he really does. The glasses, the fucked attitude, everything.

And then there's you, the oldest, master of shades and having a fucked attitude. As soon as Roxy came along, you were old enough to know that you didn't want all the attention that came with being a Prince, especially the oldest because that meant you were next in line. So you changed your image, started being less and less friendly with the public, take the eye off you and force it onto Roxy. Sure it was selfish of you, but you were sure she could handle it as soon as she could walk and talk.

Roxy's 16 now, and you've just turned 21 a month ago. Now you have two younger siblings, twins, Dave and Rose at 14. And with three more in the Royal Family able to entertain the masses, taking the focus off you has never been easier.

You've been sneaking out of the palace for years, with each of your younger siblings joining you on more than one occasion. You always leave at least two of them behind to keep them off your trail, and you leave at every opportunity. Rose has tried talking you out of it on more than one occasion, but after almost two years, she's long since given up. You've even gotten her to join you a couple of times, but she insists that it's not her thing and leaves it to the more 'rebellious' children.

Tonight is just another night, this time joined by Roxy. It takes longer to sneak out when she tags along than it does when Dave or when you're alone, but she's always good company and if you're being honest, probably your favorite sibling. She's most like your mom, and you wish she was the oldest so that she'd get all the responsibility that you can't stand.

"You know one day you're going to get caught, right Dirk?" Roxy laughs. You shrug your shoulders as you help her over the palace wall, flash-stepping yourself over as soon as she's standing on the other side. "Honestly, I'll never get how you do that. It's freaky."

"Perks of being a badass. Come on, the others are waiting across town."

You slip on your shades, the triangular glasses along with a hat more than enough to keep your appearance concealed. You never wear shades like this for the cameras, instead opting for aviators much like Dave wears most of the time. You prefer these shades anyway, but you also like that they remind you of Squirtle from the original Pokemon anime and that's why they're insanely more cool than Dave's shades.

You and Roxy hurry across town to Jane's place for movie night where the gang is waiting for you. Jane is expecting you and probably won't start without you, but you can never really know what movie because Karkat can turn into a complete twat in .2 seconds if it's something he likes.

Finally you arrive, hurrying through the door just as it starts to rain. You're lucky to have made it here when you did.

Terezi is closest to the door, immediately noticing your presence despite her blindness. She waves happily and her boyfriend, Karkat, huffs to the side. He's always been jealous of any guy Terezi is friendly with, but you've gotten good at ignoring him over the past few months since he and Terezi first hooked up.

Jane is sitting next to her younger brother on the couch. John is currently fiddling with the Xbox remote to try and get Netflix started, but the batteries seem to be dead and he isn't getting the idea. She notices you and Roxy enter and smiles, standing to hug you both.

"Gosh, it feels like it's been ages!" she grins.

"Just a few weeks, Janey. We've been busy," Roxy explains. "Mom's been making sure we stay that way, too."

"I can see that," Jane giggles. "So, big news! Jake and Jade finally got here today!"

Back the _fuck_ up.

You, Roxy, Jane and Jake have been in a 4-way skype conversation for almost a year now. You've never actually spoken to Jake, only talked through messages, but you've come to enjoy your conversations with him. He's a total movie nut since there wasn't a whole lot else to do on their island that wasn't life-threatening. But he's like the nicest person in the world and he's totally great.

"Really?" you ask. Jake and his younger sister Jade are John and Jane's cousins, raised by their crazy grandparents in the capital of bum-fuck Egypt. It's an island in the middle of the goddamn ocean and you're still curious as to how he even _gets_ Wi-Fi there but apparently it works, even if it's too shitty to host a video conference. You'd been offering to build him a signal booster for ages, but you've never really had a way to give it to him. Not like you can Fed-Ex it to the middle of nowhere.

"Yep! And he's been dying to meet you two," Jane grins. "Jake! Jake, Dirk and Roxy are here!"

You should probably mention that none of you have ever told Jake that you and Roxy are royalty. Thought it might make things awkward since he's such a fanboy already.

"Dirk, Roxy!" Jake squeals. You're immediately aware of his accent, a thick, English tone that you hadn't been expecting. Then there's some heavy footsteps, a loud crash, and then a body flying around the corner out of the kitchen.

Not what you expected.

You'd seen pictures, of course, but the latest picture of Jake on his Facebook profile was from like 2010 and it did not do him justice. He's taller than you thought he'd be. Still shorter than you, but he's probably right under six feet while you stand at three inches over. His skin is pretty dark, probably the only feature that stayed the same from his pictures. Probably because he was living on a tropical island, lots of sunlight. Honestly it'd be weird if he had pale skin like yours.

The island has a few other noticeable effects on his appearance. He looks like he's prepped to go hiking right this second, wearing cargo shorts and a pair of hiking boots with his socks pulled up a little higher than they should be. The muscles below his short sleeves and beneath his shorts are toned and pulsing against his skin as he throws himself at you and Roxy, one arm around each of your necks in a huge hug.

And he's as warm as the island he comes from.

"God, it's so nice to finally meet you both!" he grins. He pulls back, and you realize that he shares those buck teeth with his cousins, but his smile is brighter than either of theirs.

"You too, man," you reply, returning the hug finally. Roxy giggles and pulls him in for another one, smiling all the while.

Hugs are exchanged and when it all settles down, Jane suggests watching a new movie she picked up, something called 'Divergent'. Apparently it's good and Jake is all for it, so you all agree to sit down and enjoy it.

Jake sits next to you on the couch, sandwiched somewhat uncomfortably between you and Jane. He's still radiating heat, babbling on about how excited he is to be here and that he can't wait to finally spend more time with you and the girls.

You still don't know what to tell him. How do you just drop 'oh by the way I'm gonna be the King one day' on someone as soon as he comes in? Maybe you could just...swing by the palace after this. Just be kinda like 'hey wanna see my room bro' and just kinda go from there. That'd probably work. And then you could get some time to talk alone without the movie interrupting bro time.

You've been dying to meet Jake in person since a week after you started talking to him. He's just so fun to talk to online, you could only imagine how ridiculous it would be to hang out with in the flesh. You think back to his ridiculous typing style and couldn't imagine he speaks the same way in person, but fifteen minutes into the movie, you realize you were wrong.

"We should get popcorn," John decides, pausing the movie. Everyone nods in agreement and heads back to the kitchen after only twenty minutes in.

"So what faction do you think you'd be in?" John offers as his sister starts the first bag of popcorn. "Jade?"

"Hmm...the one that does the farming. That sounds like fun!" she grins. "Kindness is important, I think. What about you, Jane?"

"Easy one," Roxy chuckles. "She's a stiff, no question."

You all go around discussing them. Roxy ends up in Dauntless, John joins Amity with Jade. Karkat is Dauntless as well and Terezi says she'd like Candor, what with her going to law school and all that.

"What about you, Dirk?" Jake asks. "I think you're in Amity."

Everyone laughs together at that. "Not a chance in Hell, Dirk's too much of an asshole," Karkat interrupts, earning another laugh from the group.

"Nah, too boring. I'd be Dauntless, too. How about you, Jake?" you ask, trying to change the subject.

"Hmm...gosh, I don't think I really fit in any of them. I couldn't stand being just one thing. I think I'd be Divergent!" he grins.

"That's not part of the game. Come on, just pick one!" Roxy chides. Jake frowns and crosses his arms over his chest, thinking.

You watch as he tries to decide, his eyebrows furrowed and chewing thoughtfully on his lip. It's hilarious, really, since you've kind of figured out that thinking isn't always Jake's strong suit. Karkat doesn't miss the opportunity to comment on it, and everyone laughs and his face gets all red and flustered. Eventually he just decides on Dauntless since that's where you are. Something flips over in your stomach and that's when you know you're in deep.

You kind of developed a crush on Jake over the Skype conversations, but it was hard to really come up with anything concrete from just messaging. But he's kind, funny, and altogether one of the only people that's been a good enough distraction from all this royal nonsense. Now that you've finally met him, you can't ignore it now.

So what should you do about it? You've no indication that he might be even slightly interested in you that way, and the default assumption is that he likes girls. You honestly suspected that Jane might have a thing for him, which some might think of as weird but they're not _really_ cousins. Jane and John's parents were just super-close with Jade and Jake's grandparents, and after a while they just decided it was easier and made more sense to call each other that. Jane hasn't confirmed any of these suspicions, of course, but you know her well enough to notice how her face lights up whenever someone mentions him.

Should you ask him out? Maybe you could just suggest 'bro time' and see where it goes from there. And it's not like Jake has experience in dating anyway, he was raised on a goddamn island with just his family. Maybe he would at least be willing to give it a shot?

Fuck it. You'll figure something out eventually. For now, you should just enjoy the fact that he's here at all without trying all of this romantic bullshit on the first day. Give him some time to adjust, then go in for the kill.

With the popcorn finally done, the three bowls are split up amongst the group. Deciding that you and Jake are probably the heaviest eaters, you two get a bowl all for yourselves. Bitchin.

Jake sets the bowl between you, resting on your touching thighs. You can feel Jake radiating straight through your clothes, it's ridiculous how warm he is all the time like seriously what is this guy. He's a walking furnace, you're sweating just sitting next to him.

"Sorry if I eat too much, Dirk, but popcorn is my absolute favorite," Jake jokes, whispering in your ear to avoid disturbing the movie. On top of the breath ghosting over your ear, you also smell his toothpaste mingled with fake butter as he talks. Normally that wouldn't be a pleasant smell but somehow it works, and you manage to respond without choking on your own tongue.

"No worries. I'm not that hungry, anyway," you lie. Truth be told you're starving but whatever, let Jake eat whatever he wants. You can just grab something later at the palace.

You go on watching the movie, and just as it starts getting to the good part, Jake is yawning next to you. It's weird that he'd be bored since he's always been such a movie nut, it's not like him.

"Tired?" you chuckle quietly.

"Jet lag, I think. Time zones are teasing me," he admits before yawning again. "I'm just gonna shut my eyes for a second."

His head ends up on your shoulder, and when his breathing evens out a few minutes later, you know he's fallen asleep.

You're aware of the eyes on you as he snoozes through the rest of the film, particularly of Jane's just on the other side of the sleeping boy. You notice her hands clenched around her perfectly pressed skirt, no doubt selected today for Jake's arrival. It's now painfully obvious that she likes him, and now you feel like kind of an asshole for letting him sleep on you like this but like hell you aren't gonna take full advantage of it.

"We should get you to bed, Jake," you suggest, deciding it's just better to have him go away instead of making things even more awkward between you and Crocker. "Where's he live?"

"He's staying here until we can find an apartment for him and Jade," Jane explains. "It's upstairs, third door on the right."

"Come on, Jake," you whisper, nudging his shoulder. "I'm not carrying your fat ass upstairs, so let's move it."

"I'll have you know that I am solid muscle and muscle weighs more than fat, thank you very much," he mumbles, his eyes barely flickering open.

"Sure thing. Come on guys move aside, wide load coming through."

You end up mostly carrying Jake upstairs anyway, his arm thrown over your shoulder and his feet barely moving from one step to the next. He mumbles a bunch of stuff you can't understand, something about a dog you think? Either way it takes a few minutes to get him to his room. Apparently he's sharing it with Jade because there's a regular bed along with an air mattress shoved in the empty space next to it.

Jake seems to decide on the air mattress and basically falls on it. Thankfully it doesn't pop and he sighs happily, rolling onto his back and smiling up at you. His eyes are half-lidded and his shirt is riding half-way up his stomach. Jake apparently wasn't lying about being solid muscle, because all the extra skin you get to see is extremely muscular.

You can think of any number of situations in which you'd prefer him to be in a position like this, but now isn't the time for that.

"I'm glad we finally met, Dirk," he sighs happily, stripping off his shirt altogether. His chest muscles clench and his abs tighten as his arms raise above his head, the shirt being discarded behind the air mattress immediately after. You swallow and lean back a little, stuffing your hands into your pocket.

"Yeah, me too, man," you manage to choke out. "Maybe tomorrow we'll hang out, just us two. Bro time."

"That sounds excellent, Dirk," he smiles sleepily. "Bro time. Maybe we can go to your place, too many people here."

You snort. "Trust me, way more people at my house. But yeah, whatever you want, man."

"That's good. Thanks, Dirk," he mumbles. Then his head goes limp, his eyes falling shut, and his breathing evens out again before he can even get the blanket over him. You roll your eyes and pull it up over him, closing the door behind you on the way out.

The movie has already finished downstairs and Jade is passed out on the floor. Apparently Karkat was tasked with bringing her upstairs, and he does so begrudgingly as the others all stretch and stand from the couch, saying their quiet goodbyes.

"You know, I don't envy you and Roxy for having to sneak back in every time we do this," Terezi jokes. "I'm always so tired, it must suck. Isn't your room on the third floor, Dirk?"

"Yup. We have to climb up the outside wall."

"Yeah, screw that," she jokes. "Anyway, I'm gonna head out. Come on, Karkles." You didn't even notice he was back downstairs, but Terezi loops an arm through his and he grumbles.

"I hate when you call me that. Please don't."

Terezi cackles and she quickly hugs Jane goodbye, and the two leave through the front door. Jane is all smiles when you hug her goodbye, but you feel her frustration towards the whole thing with Jake. Then she hugs Roxy, and the two of you head out after giving John a fist-bump and the promise to tell Dave hi on his behalf.

Roxy is giggling to herself once you're on the sidewalk, passing between the pools of light given off by the streetlights. You've chosen to ditch the hat on behalf of saving the little styling left in your hair, since the glasses should be enough and nobody is really out this late at night.

"So Dirk," Roxy starts, and you can hear the smile in her voice. "You and Jake, huh? That's some real interesting stuff."

"Interesting, hm?" you reply. You already know what Roxy is getting at, but you decide to play along instead of ruining her fun. "What do you mean?"

"Him gettin' all sleepy on ya, taking him upstairs...anything could have happened in those few minutes, really," Roxy shrugs, shooting a smirk your way. You scoff and elbow her in the ribs.

"Not even. He was mostly unconscious the whole way up."

"So did you two say anything?" asks Roxy.

"Not much. Just made plans for tomorrow, we're gonna hang out."

"Really? I didn't hear about any of these plans," she frowns.

"That's because you're not invited. It's just me and Jake, bro time."

Roxy is clearly having none of your bullshit. " _Bro time_. Uh-huh, suuuuuure."

"If you'd kindly make your way to the point, Rox?"

"Oh don't even! You were shooting him goo-goo eyes all night long, and it's obvious that you had a crush on him before you even met!" she explains. You finally shoot a little smile at Roxy, and she squeals excitedly. "I _knew_ it!"

"Not that it's gonna do any good. I mean Jane is totally hot for him, it's obvious," you shrug, sighing a little. "And she'd probably be better for him anyway."

"Oh cut all the 'oh golly, Jake won't like me cuz I'm a boy' shit."

"I have never said golly in my life; if your'e going to imitate me, do it right."

Honestly, you being a boy isn't your main problem with liking Jake. If, theoretically, you two _did_ end up going out, the press would have a fit with it. It'd be different if you weren't the oldest, the heir to the throne. You're expected to marry a nice young lady so that she can become the Queen. The Queen has always been more of a symbol than the King, which you're more than fine with.

Ever since you came to your little realization (i.e., girls aren't really your thing), you've been terrified to tell your parents about it. Roxy knows, and you suspect that Rose does as well and who even knows with Dave. But with your parents, who knows what could happen? They could revoke your birthright, putting Roxy to be the next Queen. Honestly you wouldn't mind losing the throne, but the shame would be overwhelming.

Having a boyfriend wouldn't make it easier, especially if you want to date him _before_ coming out to your parents. Sneaking around is taxing enough as is, you don't need the extra pressure of dragging Jake down with you.

Then, let's think about if you _were_ to go out with Jake in secrecy. What happens if people find out anyways? The press would have a field day, you'd be on every magazine in the country by the next day. Huge scandal, the gay prince. Not that this country isn't pretty widely accepting of this kind of thing, but the theoretical is that if you take the throne, it'd be the first time in history that the country would go without a Queen and you doubt doing drag would really cut it.

All in all, it's way more trouble than it's worth.

"You need to stop worrying about all the 'what-ifs', Dirk," Roxy scolds. "And yeah, I think Jane likes him, too. And I know there's a lot of extra pressure since you're the oldest. I don't envy you."

"I think this is the part you're supposed to be comforting, Rox."

"What do you think I'm doing? Sheesh, ungrateful ass," she huffs. "And, toot toot, we're now arriving at the point. If you like him, ask him out and stop bein' a huge pansy. End of story."

"Yeah, sounds easy when you put it that way."

"Can't it be easy?"

"When is _anything_ easy for us, Roxy?" you scoff. She ponders that for a second before shrugging.

"Good point. Deal with it."

Fuck it. Let's just see where Bro time leads tomorrow. Then you'll decide if you should ask Jake out.


	2. Jake: Have some Bro Time!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry, got super busy these past couple days with school. Has anyone ever mentioned how much college sucks? Combined I had to write fourteen pages in the past three days, and unfortunately none of that was of my beautiful boys :(
> 
> Until now, anyway. So how about that chapter!?

Your name is Jake English, and today is bro time with Dirk. You can't wait!

To be honest, meeting Dirk and Roxy through Jane was the best thing that's ever happened to you. Sure, you love your cousins, but you've only ever met people in your immediate family, or the people that you consider to be family. Meeting someone else was completely different because they're so different from how your family is!

Roxy is purely insane. She loves to drink and party but is still one of the most genuine people you've ever met. She's brutally honest and you love that about her.

Dirk is an entirely different case. You've known the lad for about a year now, even if just through messages, but you've been absolutely lost on what to think about him. He's always so...ridiculous. He swears up and down that all his nonsense is merely an 'ironic statement', but you'd started to think that he's actually just a huge dork. You thought you'd be able to get a better read on him in person, but then he shows up with his stupid sunglasses and you barely got to talk to him because of the movie and you more or less passing out. So you've set yourself a mission for today; discover Dirk Strider's true identity.

In hidsight, your mission would turn out to be more literal than you'd meant. But we'll get to that later.

Dirk met you at Jane's place a little after two the next day, giving you more than enough time to sleep off your jetlag and get ready for the day. Jane left you a note that she had to go to work, but that John and Jade were perfectly welcome to stay home alone. You decided that was good enough for you and hopped in the shower to get ready.

You really tried to think hard about how to get some more information out of Dirk without him passing it off as more of his ridiculous irony. He's just so...reserved, maybe? No, that doesn't fit. He just doesn't like showing that he might actually care about something, which is pretty much all you've been able to figure out about him so far. A year of messaging has shown you his interests, but nothing about his personality. It annoys you and you simply must put an end to it!

You don't give your clothes much thought, but you do remember to slip a beanie on your head once you get your hair styled up in the front. You'd never owned one before, but Jane had suggested it on your first day here and you quite like the look of it! Sure, it's sort of warm sometimes, but you think that the green hat is quite flattering on you.

Dirk is just a few minutes late for your rendevous, and though he apologizes for his absence, you have a feeling he might have planned to show up fashionably late. You decide not to call him out on it, and you follow after him at his request.

"So what's on the agenda for today, Dirk?" you inquire. Dirk shrugs and reaches into his back pocket, and you realize soon after that he's reaching for a cigarette. "You smoke?"

"On occasion. Felt like I needed one today, I don't know."

You think about that for a moment while he lights the cigarette, taking a deep drag before letting it dangle from his hands. He blows the smoke out slowly, and the wind blows it just past you to where you can smell the smoke. You chew your bottom lip for a moment before deciding to snag it from his hand, smiling up at him.

"And just what the hell do you think you're doing, English?" he snorts. "I didn't think you'd approve of my lifestyle."

"I think you'll find that I'm more adventurous than that, Dirk Strider," you tease. You hesitate slightly before raising the cigarette up to your lips, slipping it between and taking a deep breath. Smoke pours out from the bottom of it and fills your mouth, and you blow it out quickly because you rather dislike the taste. Dirk seems to notice and chuckles slightly before taking his cigarette back and taking another drag.

"Anyway, you didn't answer my question. Where are we going?"

"Thought we'd just go...chill out at my place," he answers. You feel your shoulders slump a little at that. That's it? You were hoping to go out on the town, learn the city you're soon to call home! Maybe a club, or a bar. Maybe tour the palace! That certainly sounds like fun. You've heard it's quite the attraction!

"Sure, sounds great!" you lie. If Dirk notices your displeasure, he doesn't say anything.

You two walk slowly for a while, exchanging small talk along the way. Dirk tells you about a new show he's watching, and you feign interest while trying to pick his brain apart. What's going on up there, anyway? You can hardly see his face behind those dastardly sunglasses! You suspect you could learn much more about him with a full face to know him by, that way you could see his reactions to things you say. So you set a new objective in your mission; get those shades off of Dirk Strider. That shouldn't be _too_ hard, right? He seems rather fond of the, but surely he must take them off sometime.

Dirk stops walking while you're deep in thought, and you're a few paces ahead of him before you realize. You stop and turn back, feeling color rush to your cheeks.

"Were you even paying attention to me, English?" he scoffs, laughing a little. You chuckle nervously and you guess that's enough of an answer, because starts walking again. "What's got you so deep in thought?"

"Just...I don't know what to think about you, Dirk." He pauses at that, standing next to you again on the sidewalk. "We've been talking for a year, but you always try to act so mysterious. I know your interests well enough, but I don't know anything about you really."

He pauses for what feels like an eternity, and you can see the gears turning in his head. Predictably, he's far too sarcastic in his answer and manages to turn it on you in an instant.

"Sorry I'm not an open book like you, dweeb," he sighs sarcastically. "Bringing a boy to your home on the first date. You're too vulnerable."

"D-Date?! Last night was far from a date, Strider!" you laugh. "And besides, aren't we going to _your_ house now?"

"Yeah, but that's different. This is _obviously_ the second date. Seriously, get your shit together, Jake."

You don't know how to respond do that, so you just huff and fold your arms over your chest. Dirk smirks and ruffles your hair, disheveling your beanie and making you feel like a kid again before he starts walking, leaving you behind. You totally ignore the color flooding to your cheeks again because that's not a thing that happens when another guy does that to your hair.

You trail several steps behind Dirk now, albeit somewhat awkwardly, with your hands stuffed deep in your pockets. This hasn't been at all what you were expecting bro time to be, even if it has only been a few minutes. You're still hoping things will improve once you get to Dirk's house. Dirk plays video games, right? And watches anime? You could get down with that. Maybe it'll be less awkwa-

"Ah, shit!" you screech, running face-first into Dirk's back. He turns back and raises an eyebrow at you, and you smile sheepishly and try to act like you didn't just space out so badly that you completely ran into him. "Um, why are we stopping?"

"We're here."

You blink and turn to face where Dirk is looking, but you're met with a tall, brick wall. You place a hand on it, running your palm along the rough stones, but Dirk doesn't seem phased by your confusion. He immediately jumps up, higher than you'd have expected from him, to grab a foothold and pull himself over the wall with surprising strength. You choke on your tongue trying to ask what the hell he's doing.

"You coming over? Move it, English."

"Dirk, what the hell is this?" you yell over the wall. Dirk doesn't respond, and you grumble to yourself as you start to climb up the wall. It's completely flat except for one brick ejected slightly, and you manage to throw yourself over after just a minute of struggling.

Your boots meet with grass on the other side, and you smell that it's freshly cut. Your eyes trace over the massive expanse of land, the entire perimeter of the area guarded by the large, stone wall. You follow the paths with your eyes, all leading to the center of the area to the largest building you've ever seen in your life. You'd be a fool not to recognize it as the Royal Palace.

"What the _fuck_?!" you yell/whisper, you're not really sure which. Dirk ignores you and breaks into a sprint towards the nearest wall of the palace, and you've no other options but to follow him. You nearly break your neck looking from side to side, trying to see if there are any men chasing after you with clubs and flashlights like in the movies, but nobody seems the wiser that you've broken into one of the most heavily guarded buildings in the country.

You try to ignore the substantial number of felonies you're committing by doing this, which becomes increasingly difficult as Dirk starts to _climb up the side of the goddamn palace_.

You want to yell at him, but that would only alert people to your presence. Is Dirk out of his fucking _mind_? You like an adventure as much as the next guy, but this is insane! Not to mention illegal! Coming to a new country, you didn't want to see the inside of a federal fucking prison cell!

You're staring up at Dirk from the ground, leaning close against the palace wall between two windows. You hear the rustle and bustle from the other side of the thin glass (you think it might be the kitchen), and Dirk looks down at you expectantly from a similar position, only two stories higher.

"You coming or what?"

"You're insane. You're completely bleeding mad."

"What? I do this all the time. Seriously, Jake, keep up. You're embarrassing me," Dirk scoffs. He all but leaps up to the third floor shortly before flinging himself through an open window, the last step in breaking into the royal palace. That's it, you and Dirk are done. You'll probably hear the sirens any minute now, helicopter blades whirring above the palace. If you make a break for it now, you could probably get away. Dirk would do well in prison, he's the type that nobody would fuck with. You wouldn't make it a week in there without getting a crudely made shiv shoved into your gullet.

No, you can't leave Dirk to go to prison alone! That would be shameful, and he'd likely kill you himself once he got out! No, you'll face this like a man, consequences be damned!

You climb up quickly, though not quite at Dirk's pace, and you make it up there in just a couple of minutes. For a second you were worried that someone had seen you through one of the windows you were forced to climb over, but whoever it was either didn't notice or didn't care that someone was scaling the wall of the Royal Family's personal home. Totally fine.

You climb through the window after Dirk, and try to take in your surroundings. From what you can tell it's a bedroom, probably a member of the royal family's. You honestly don't know who else's it could be, it's positively massive! The bed is a King Size, easily, with a luxurious rug at the foot of it. Across the room is a large television, flat-screen, mounted on the wall with a single loveseat stationed across from it. A coffee table is covered with empty cans of soda and gaming systems, the games for which are scattered about the floor. Is this a teenager's room? Perhaps a younger member of the family, though you haven't the faintest idea of who it might belong to.

"Dirk? Dirk?" you whisper loudly, trying to find your friend. A door opens on the other side of the room, and out of panic you dive behind the bed and cower behind the mattress. There's a shuffling and you hear a can of soda open. Then silence for a few moments followed by a sigh of pleasure, then the stranger goes quiet again.

"Jake? Have you made it up here yet?" Dirk asks. You don't budge, and everything starts to sink in.

_No fucking way._

You stand slowly from behind the bed, and Dirk is standing non-chalantly on the other side of the room, a can of soda dangling in his left hand. The other is positioned someone femininely on his waist which you hardly even register because if this is going where you think it is...

"Is this...?"

"Uhh..." Dirk stutters, which is surprising in itself. "Yeah, I guess. Welcome to my crib."

"I don't...Dirk, I need some answers here, chap. What is all this? Are you-?"

"Uh...yeah, it's kinda weird. My mom is...kind of the...you know, Queen." Dirk shuffles his feet a little, a little color rushing to his cheeks in embarassment. "We never told you...thought it was too awkward. In hindsight, I probably would have, so...um, yeah."

...

 

Your name is Dirk Strider, and Jake is staring at you oh fuck why isn't he talking.

He's been staring at you like a gasping fish for almost five minutes now, you don't think he's blinked? Has he blinked? Probably, but you're too busy worrying about why the _fuck_ he hasn't said anything. Is he pissed you never told him? About to go full-out fangirl? Oh God, please don't fangirl, you don't think you could handle being glomped by--

Hold on there. This could work out.

"I...uh, _wow_ , Dirk," he stutters. "I...you could have just told me, you know? I guess it's not... _that_ big of a deal."

Damn, you spoke too soon.

"Really?" you ask. "I...kinda thought you'd freak out a little."

"Oh don't you worry, I am. Just silently, on the inside," he jokes. "So you're the...Prince, I take it? Are you the oldest?" You nod to him. "So you're going to be the...King. Wow, that's..."

"Yeah. I hate it, too."

"You hate that you're going to be the King one day?" he gawks. "I think that's rather exciting, don't you? Think of all the good you could do!"

You have to stop yourself from laughing at that. "Please, the King hardly means shit in this country. It's all about the Queen. And it's not like I'll-" You pause. Jake watches you expectantly, waiting for you to finish. FUCK, that was supposed to be a conversation for another day. This was supposed to be the big bomb, and then you could set off the smaller one(s) later. Just to take out the survivors.

"Oh, don't be like that! I'm sure you'll find yourself a nice girl to settle down with to...you know, rule the country," Jake half-laughs awkwardly. You swallow your nerves and nod, refusing to meet his eyes. You don't want to talk about this anymore, just let it go, Dirk. You should change the subject.

"Wanna play video games? I'd like to get some actual bro time before the mood goes any further south."

Jake grins and nods, and you decide that being a Prince isn't so bad if you get to play some badass videogames on a badass TV with your bro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! :) I decided not to beat around the bush before getting to the whole 'omg dirk is prince' thing, decided to get that bomb out of the way before the nuclear drops. Hope you liked it <3
> 
> Go ahead and leave a kudos and a comment if you want me to continue. Chapter updates will be erratic now that I'm not in High School anymore, but I promise I'll do my best! It'll probably speed up a little bit halfway through October, that's when my convention is so I'll get to focus less on cosplay and more on my writing. I've missed you guys :)
> 
> So yeah. Later!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that took longer than I thought it would. Anyway I'm getting this up now while I'm still writing the next chapter, which I kinda wanted to avoid but whatever it's here it's done so deAL WITH IT.
> 
> Enjoy.

You know, if you'd known that Mom was coming home, you'd have never asked Jake to come over in the first place.

The door to your room opens without so much as a single knock and your instant, silent prayers that it wasn't who you thought it would be. But Mother never knocks and she certainly couldn't care if you were doing anything personal. The woman may be the Queen, but she has the manners of a hobo when she isn't in public.

"Dirky! Mama's home. Come give me some sug-" she stops. Her eyes focus on Jake, and the martini glass in her hand spilled over at the sudden halt in movement. She immediately does a double-take, her eyes darting between you and him repeatedly.

You can't help but facepalm internally at what she's wearing. Royalty or not, no woman should ever wear a pair of sweatpants that says 'JUICY' right across the ass 

"Dirk. Who dat?" she asks. Jake seems to gather himself much quicker than you, jumping to his feet and bowing to her.

"Y-Your Majesty, I'm so sorry for intruding! My name is Jake English, I'm a friend of Dirk's!" he blurts out, never making eye contact with Mom. She blinks a couple of times, her eyes finding their way back over to you. You give her a quick nod, confirming that Jake is telling the truth, and she immediately smiles at Jake.

"Oh it's no worry, I just wasn't expecting company! I came to let Dirk know that dinner is going to be served soon. You're welcome to join us, Jake."

"Oh, that won't be nec-"

"He would _love_ to, wouldn't you, huh Jake?" you interrupt, flash-stepping to throw an arm around Jake's shoulder. "You know, Mom, it's funny because he was _just_ talking about how hungry he was getting! So convenient, huh buddy?"

You smack Jake's back hard enough to give him spontaneous scoliosis. He sputters, exchanging a near-instant glance with you before nodding silently. Mom seems to like that answer and says that it should be just a few minutes before dinner is served, and leaves without another word. You don't bother hiding your sigh of relief as you fall back straight onto the floor with a loud thud.

"What the bloody hell did you do _that_ for, Dirk?! I'm not properly dressed, I've got the table manners of a chimp, and honestly it was rude of you to just _throw me under the goddamn bus_ like that!" Jake cries, flopping face-first onto the couch and burying his face in a pillow. "Additionally, I've yet to speak with Roxy about this royalty business and it is going to be plain awkward!"

"Oh well. All I know is that I would never hear the end of it if you left and I had to explain it all alone, and this way they'll pay more attention to you," you explain deviously, enjoying the look of slowly-building frustration on Jake's face with each passing syllable. "Also, don't even worry about dressing nice and stuff. Dave eats like an animal and if my mom, the Queen, can wear sweatpants then you could probably show up naked and nobody would bat an eyelash in this freaking palace."

"....valid point. Alright, I guess I've no choice in the matter."

"There's a good sport."

Despite what you tell him, Jake takes a few minutes to straighten up his appearance. He fixes his hair in your bathroom (honestly you like it more all disheveled and stuff, admittedly caused by you when you pushed him after being nailed with a blue shell in Mario Kart). He also straightened his clothes from looking less wrinkled and borrowed a piece of gum from you to make sure his breath is alright. You groan time after time that nobody gives a shit, but he insists that he make the proper impression. You decide to let him have his little freakout in peace while you save the game (which is still paused, you realize) and get ready to head downstairs.

You're sure to ruffle Jake's hair again as you depart for the dining hall, earning a hilarious squeal from him in exchange. He huffs something along the lines of 'forget it' as he tries, to no avail, to calm it down with his hands.

In the dining hall, an expansive room with high ceilings and various paintings of people you couldn't give a shit hanging off the walls, you find your way to your usual seat. Typically it's only the five of you at dinner; Mom sits at the head of the table with you at her right hand and Dave beside you. Directly across from you is Roxy and then next to her, across from Dave is Rose. You offer Dave's usual seat to Jake and he can sit down one further, which Dave will probably through an amusing if not childish fit about. You look forward to it.

You can already smell dinner from the kitchen, some sort of chicken you think? Whatever it is, Jake seems rather pleased if the look of complete ecstasy on his face is any indication. His eyes have fluttered close and he's pointing his sniffer straight towards the kitchen, and he sighs happily every few seconds as if reminding himself of how delicious the scent alone is.

The rest of the family slowly files in after you and Jake, Roxy first. She seems surprised to see Jake, and runs over to hug him.

"Jake, what the _frick_ are you doing here?" she gasps. Jake shoots you a worried look and you just shrug, and he smiles sheepishly back at your sister.

"...bro time?" is all he manages to come up with. Roxy deadpans entirely and shoots her trademark 'r u srs r/n' look. You smirk and she rolls her eyes and exchanges a few brief words with Jake before sitting awkwardly across the table from you and Jake. Rose enters soon after and raises an eyebrow suspiciously at Jake but does not question it openly, merely leaning to whisper to Roxy presumably about him. Jake grows more and more uncomfortable as the minutes pass, waiting for Dave and Mom to fill the last two seats. He fidgets in his seat and constantly adjusts his glasses, and you almost feel bad for making him go through all this.

Mom and Dave come in together, side-by-side and chatting idly. Mom is carrying, predictably, a bottle of wine in one hand and an empty martini glass in the other. The glass ends up at the far end of the enormous table, not in use, and she pops open the wine herself.

Dave doesn't take long to notice Jake in his seat, and immediately goes into a miniature tantrum.

"Uh, the fuck is this?" he asks. "Who's the dweeb?"

"That dweeb, you tool, is my friend Jake. He's our guest," you explain, exaggerating and making yourself sound insanely superior to your brother.

"N-Nice to meet you, chap," Jake greets nervously. "My sister has mentioned you, I believe. I'm Jade's older brother."

"No shit," Dave says, ignoring you entirely, you notice. "Your sister's hella fine. Tell her I said that."

"I...don't think I will, to be frank."

Mom chokes out a laugh at that, snorting into her hand. "Owned."

Such a lady. If half her benefactors saw her like this, she'd have been dethroned years ago. If that's even possible.

Dinner is served, and you were right about the chicken. Jake seems very pleased as soon as his plate is set down, and the group quickly descends on the meal.

The table is quiet for a long while as you and the others eat. Jake was right about his table manners, you guess being raised on an island doesn't constitute proper eating habits. You and Dave are bad, but _damn_ , the guy is covered. Mom seems pretty amused by it, and at one point you notice her shrug and follow in Jake's footsteps, getting herself quite dirty in the process. Roxy notices as well and copies her, and soon the entire table is dirty with chicken and various side dishes (excluding Rose, of course). At one point you all look around, noticing the mess, and you all erupt into laughter.

Mom is the first to regain her composure, wiping a tear as she turns to Jake. "Oh, wow, that was fun. I hate all this fine dining shit. It's fun having you around, Jake," she chuckles. She takes one more bite of the chicken before setting it down on her plate. "So how long have you two known each other?"

"Uh, about a year," Jake answers. "I've only just moved here with my sister from the island I was raised on. Dirk and I chatted over Skype."

"Excuse you, I was there, too," Roxy joked. "Us three and our friend Jane have all been super tight for a while."

"And this is the first I'm hearing of this?" Mom teases, waving a fork at you and Roxy. Roxy's face lights up red but you just shrug.

"Seemed irrelevant. Never met the guy in person until yesterday," you comment.

"Ah, so _that's_ where you've been going when you sneak out of the palace. To hang out with this Jane girl, I assume?"

The table goes dead silent aside from a muffled chuckle from Dave (earning a kick in the shin under the table). Rose suppresses a smirk, knowing that we've been caught.

"Don't act so surprised. Nothing happens in this palace without me knowing about it," Mom chuckles. "But you could've just walked out the front door. I don't give a shit where you kids go as long as you don't get in trouble."

Feeling relief wash over you, Jake and Mom go into their own conversation about what the island he was raised on is like. Roxy and Rose quietly discuss something of their own, and you just sit and watch as they converse.

Jake's really animated when he talks. He talks with his hands a lot, and sometimes forgets that he's chewing which is kind of hilarious. You also notice how passionate he is about literally _everything_. Pretty sure he could explain why he puts the cereal in the bowl before the milk and you'd be taking fucking notes.

You feel Rose's eyes on you, but pride if nothing else keeps you from meeting her gaze. Not even under the shades, Rose _always_ knows. The girl is psychic.

You'll have to talk to her after dinner to see what's going on in that noggin.

...

You squint against the sun, feeling your brain push against your skull. When the hell did you get back to your room?

You lean up in bed, feeling vomit rise in your throat but you swallow it back down. You feel cool air around you, and you realize that you aren't wearing a shirt. A peek under the covers reveals that you are, in fact, completely naked. Bruises mark the skin on your hips and you feel lines burning down your back.

You go to get up when you realize that something-or rather, someone, is under the sheets.

You look to your left to the mass huddled under the covers, and you unconsciously reach to gently pull the sheets back.

A mound of dark, tussled hair and a pair of discarded glasses. Buck teeth hanging out of a gaping mouth.

"Oh _fuck_ my life."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehehehehehehehe
> 
> So yeah my smut game hasn't gotten a workout in quite some time so you get some of that next chapter. I'm trying something different with how I'm revealing the smut since it's obviously already happened chronologically, so this should be interesting. Hope you liked what I gave you, leave a comment and kudos and all that shit if it didn't suck :)


	4. Rose: Interview your Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my smut game got hella strong, stronger than I thought it would. I took a really different approach with how I did the smut this time, so let me make a couple of things clear:
> 
> The perspective changes semi-rapidly in this chapter due to how I wrote it, as well as shifting between first and second person. When it's in first person, it's Dirk's memory. Second is either Rose or Dirk talking, which you'll be able to pick out relatively easily. Hope you enjoy!

Your name is Rose Lalonde, and this is _too fucking great_.

You were already blinking the sleep out of your eyes, stretching your hands above your head when a knock came at your door. "Come in," you'd said. The door opened slowly to reveal your eldest brother, Dirk, half-dressed with a rat's nest for hair and holding a sheet over himself protectively.

"...what the hell happened last night," he mutters simply. You feel a smile tugging at your lips, and decide that you can't quite resist toying with him.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you mean, Dirk," you reply. "Can you explain?"

"I woke up, and...Jake..." he mumbles. "Just...I remember I was at dinner."

"And then?"

"Totally blank. I woke up and Jake was next to be in bed...naked..."

"Ahh, I see," you grin. "Come here, Dirk, lie down. I've always wanted to try something, this is a perfect opportunity."

Dirk crosses the room slowly as if in pain, eyeing you suspiciously as he lies down on the bed next to you. "Close your eyes," you order. He does so slowly, and you can feel the frustration running off of him.

"Dirk what I'm about to do is called a cognative interview. It's used on trauma victims to help them remember details from violent situations, I believe it will translate well into your current situation," you explain. "Throughout this, I need you to make sure that you keep your eyes closed. Can you do that for me, Dirk?"

"Yes, just get on with it..." he groans. You sigh and cross your legs, popping your knee in the process.

"Dirk I need you to go back to your latest memory from last night. We were eating dinner, correct?" you ask and Dirk nods. "What did you hear? What did the food smell like?"

"We were eating chicken," he replies. "And Jake was telling Mom about the island he came from."

"What happened after that, Dirk?" you prod. "Do you recall?"

"...Mom asked for them to bring us wine, right?" he asks. Dirk fights to keep his eyes shut, he's desperate to watch your face for a reaction (a weird habit of his you've noticed over the years).

"Very good, Dirk," you say, trying to comfort him. "They brought wine for us. Then what happened?"

...

After a few drinks, I insisted that we retreat back to my room for more bro time. Mom said she would send up a few 'party favors', whatever the hell that meant. Jake thanked her politely and we both ran back up to my room together.

Jake was gasping from laughter after he almost tripped going up the stairs, and I closed the door behind us as soon as he managed to stumble through. He collapsed on the bed, chest rising and falling rapidly as he breathed deeply. I immediately flopped back down on the couch, booting up the PS4 since Jake had been talking shit all day and needed put in his place.

"Get your ass over here, English, it's game time," I commanded. Jake merely chuckled and stood, leaning over the back of the couch looking down at me.

"I don't feel like playing video games," admitted Jake. "I want to do something else."

"What's got you hating on Call of Duty all of a sudden?" I scoffed.

"It's not that, I just..." he paused. "I spent my whole life watching movies and playing video games. Especially when I was a kid, before I was able to defend myself outside on the island. It just feels...I don't know. I just want to do something else."

"...yeah, okay," I replied. "So what do you want-"

A knock came at the door. I flashstepped over and opened it, revealing a butler on the other side. I didn't recognize him, he was probably new. He silently handed me a tray with what looked like a bowl of Cheez-Its and a bottle of whisky before bowing and turning on his heel, walking away. I blinked down at the tray, sighing and kicking the door shut. Jake eyed the tray as I set it down on my bed, shaking my head.

"Should've known by 'party favors', Mom meant alcohol," I sighed. "At least we got Cheez-Its."

Jake seemed interested in the whiskey, picking it off the tray and turning the bottle over carefully in his hands. "I've never drank before," he admitted.

"Well you had that wine downstairs, didn't you?" I asked. He shook his head. "Oh."

"Yeah. Never had any on the island. Jade was too young to be around it, and my grandparents..." he paused, eyes downcast. "Anyway, I never had the opportunity."

I took the bottle from his hands, popping the lid of and flicking it at his forehead. His eyes went cross-eyed trying to follow it, then shot me a goofy smile before punching me in the shoulder. 

"What?" I laughed. "Sorry for trying to do you a favor." I took a swig of the whiskey. It burned my throat on the way down, but I managed to keep my cough down so that Jake didn't freak out.

...

"Why did you keep yourself from coughing?" you ask Dirk.

"Didn't want Jake to back out if he thought it tasted bad," says Dirk. "He wanted to get shitfaced, I wasn't gonna stop him."

"Somehow I doubt he said anything of the sort," you muse, and you feel Dirk's evil eye beneath his eyelids. "My apologies. What happened after that?"

...

Jake seemed to take a liking to the whiskey. He sucked down half the bottle before I could even blink, and he coughed heavily each time but didn't care. Slowly his smile got even more goofy, eyes half-lidded and he lied back down on the couch with one arm dangling off and a leg strewn over the back cushion, legs spread farther than could possibly be comfortable.

"Dude, you're trashed," I chuckled. Jake merely shrugged and handed me the bottle back lazily, which I sipped on for the next few minutes. Jake didn't speak, just staring up at the ceiling and contemplating his budding alcoholism. The silence was hardly contested, only interrupted by me sipping quietly on the bottle or Jake huffing or burping. He was a sloppy drunk, I realized, and he seemed to bask in that fact.

"I want to play a game," Jake mumbled a few minutes later. By then my head was swimming pretty badly as well, so I just shrugged and decided to go along with it.

"Playstation's still on if you feel like getting your ass kicked."

"No no no, not like that," said Jake. He sat up slowly and I saw his expression; mischevious and drunk, a horrible combination. "Me and Jade used to play this game with our grandparents, have you heard of it?"

"...heard of what?"

"Oh," he stopped, realizing his lack of explanation. Jesus, he was _really_ gone. "Okay, so get this. It's called 'Never Have I Ever', it was Grandma's, like, favorite thing. She always lost though, and Jade and I never really understood why until later."

I almost spit out my drink trying not to laugh. "Can we play with two people?" Jake nodded and I set the empty bottle down (wait when did that happen?). "Alright, what do we do?"

Jake intructed me to put five fingers up and he did the same. Apparently, every time he says something that I've done, I have to put a finger down and the same goes for him when I say something. 

The goal is to get the other person to run out of fingers.

"Okay, I'll go first," Jake said. "Never have I ever...worn a suit and tie."

"What? That's bullshit," I half-smiled, putting my thumb down. "How have you never worn a suit?"

"Who have I had to impress? I lived on an island with just my family," he chuckled. "Okay, you go."

"Fine, whatever," I said. "Never have I ever shot a gun."

"WHAT?!" Jake nearly yelled and I shooshed him. He slapped a hand over his mouth and put his own thumb down, apologizing. "How have you never shot a _gun_?"

"Never had to. I'm more of a sword guy at heart," I smiled.

"Oh, Dirk we _have_ to go to a shooting range sometime," he said. "It's so much fun."

"Will do, English," I shrugged. I have no desire to shoot a gun but if he's that set on it, whatever.

"Okay, my go," he grinned. "Never have I ever...kissed a girl."

I didn't put a finger down. Jake watched me expectantly, and I just shrugged. "You've never kissed a girl?"

"Nope. Never wanted to," I told him. I laughed inwardly at myself, since the reason was so much more obvious to me than him. Jake just sat there, almost uncomfortable for a split second, and then pushed the issue further than I'd wanted him to.

"Why not?" I just shrugged again.

"Have you?" I asked, already knowing the answer. Jake snorted/laughed, and I didn't miss the embarrassment on his face after making that sound.

"No. I'd never met anyone outside of my family until I came to this country," said Jake. "Obviously I wasn't going to be snogging it up with Jade, so I had no other options," he explained softly. 

"Not that I never wanted to. I had quite the collection of posters from movies. My grandmother had 'acquired' them somehow, though never explained how. Lovely ladies on those, I tell you!"

I merely 'hmmed' and wrung my hands together, growing more uncomfortable by the second as Jake continued to muse aloud about his beautiful (and sometimes blue?) ladies on his posters. It spared me for a few minutes until he turned his attention back to me, and I felt myself flinch under his gaze.

"But you...you've met so many women. Surely someone of your status would have no trouble courting a lovely lady," he said. "But you just...didn't?" I shook my head. "Why not?"

"What do you want to hear, Jake?" I huffed. "No, I've never kissed a girl. Never wanted to, never will, alright?"

"Dirk, don't say things like that. Surely you'll find a girl someday," he said hopefully. I merely huffed and told him it was my turn.

"Never have I ever eaten seafood," I spat out. Jake put a finger down and immediately jumped to his next question.

"Never have I ever had a crush on a girl," he offered. I bit my cheek and debated putting a finger down. Was this really the time to be honest? We were both drunk, I had no business trying to make some sort of moral stand here. I hated lying to Jake, but this was just some stupid game, no way to tell him about... _that_.

But was it really a big deal? Jake was a stubborn asshole on the best of days, apparently enforced by the metric fuckton of whiskey he'd chugged (not to mention this is his first time drinking, which I hadn't considered until then). He wasn't going to let this go, so maybe just let it out while he's inebriated? That could work.

"Never have I ever done a cartwheel," I sighed. Again, a lie because I'm gay as shit and fuck if I wasn't all about that when I was little, but I was sort of distracted by my current situation. I could feel where this was going, Jake was on to me.

...

"What were you thinking as he asked you these questions, Dirk?" you press. Dirk is starting to shut down, his breathing speeding up as it starts to become more vivid. His memory is returning quickly, and if you want answers, you'll have to fight for them from here.

"I was thinking that Jake was a stubborn prick," he half-chuckles. "But I was worried that he would..."

He pauses. Dirk's cheeks hollow out, he's biting his tongue. "Dirk, I think we both know what you're trying to hide from me, don't you?"

Dirk says nothing. You sigh and run a hand aimlessly through his hair, and he relaxes visibly. "How long have you known?"

"Probably longer than you have," you chuckle. "And our sister is a loud drunk."

"Dammit, Roxy..." he groans.

"So, you were saying?" you probe.

"...I was worried Jake would find out I was gay."

"And?"

...

"Dirk," Jake began, breathing heavily. "Never have I ever...had a crush on a boy."

My finger twitched. I couldn't think fast enough, all at once I thought it was a good idea and a bad one. Nothing made sense for a brief moment, my head spun and my stomach lurched. It was on a whim that I put it down.

"Oh," was all he said. I scanned his face closely, making out every detail I could. His eyebrows furrowed but he didn't scowl, only chewed on his lip thoughtfully. His eyes darted between the far wall and myself repeatedly, usually lingering more on myself. Just then I realized I'm still wearing my shades; not pointed ones, the stupid aviators I wear around my family. He probably had no idea I was even watching him, that I knew he was thinking so hard about it.

"If you've got something to say then say it," I snapped. Jake's eyes widened and his mouth opened but nothing came out.

"I..." he paused. "I don't know what to say."

"Clearly you've got something on your mind, so fucking spit it out."

"I just," he scoffs. "I don't know why you're making such a big deal of it."

"A _big deal_ of it?" I yelled at him. "Maybe you don't understand the gravity of my situation. I'm the fucking _Prince_. No offense, and by no I mean _all possible offense_ , but I've got a lot more shit to deal with then you do. I've got this big fucking image to protect, and I have to-"

I balled my fist without thinking about it, about to hit something and Jake grabbed my arm. His fingers curled tightly around my arm, one hand on my wrist and the other on my bicep. I relaxed under his touch, warm fingers coaxing at least some of the frustration out of me. I could feel him distance himself, though, keeping his body far away from me.

"Dirk you've got to calm down, someone will hear you," he said softly. I nodded and collapsed down onto the couch, Jake planted next to me. His hand left my wrist but it stays only inches away.

"You must think I'm..." I begin, but Jake groans and interrupts me.

"You're an angry, sappy drunk, you know that?" he teased. "I don't care if you're...you know. Just relax."

We sat in uncomfortable silence for a while. Jake was getting sleepy, I felt him constantly shift on the couch to keep himself awake. I wasn't sure, though, why he didn't just lie down. Eventually he turned to me.

"You said that you had a crush on someone...on a boy," Jake said, voice raspy. "Who was it?"

...

"And then?" you press. "What did you tell him?"

"I don't remember..." Dirk admits. He rubs his hands over his forehead, eyes squeezed tight. Something's coming back to him, very slowly and it's killing him.

"Think about what was around you," you suggest. "Was it light or dark?"

"Light. The lamp was on in the far corner."

"What about Jake? What did he smell like? What did you hear from him beside his voice?"

"He was sweating," Dirk responds. "And he didn't make a sound...like he was holding his breath."

You pause, mulling that over. What is that supposed to mean? "You said he was sitting right beside you. Was he still?"

"I think...no, his leg was bouncing," says Dirk. "I thought he was trying to keep himself awake, but..."

"He was shaking, wasn't he?" you ask and Dirk nods. "Alright, good. You're doing good Dirk. What did you do after that?"

"Oh God. I kissed him, didn't I?"

...

Before I knew it, my lips were on top of Jake's.

He didn't jump away immediately. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss back but then he backed away slowly, his eyes closed. They opened slowly, trailing up my jaw and over my nose before meeting my eyes. The situation started to hit me after that, I backed away on the couch, my feet on the cushions and my knees separating him from myself. I muttered apologies as fast as I could. He didn't process it, not immediately. Realization lit up across his face, and his eyes widened.

"Dirk, why did you do that" he asked.

"I am so fucking sorry, I don't know why I did that. Please don't hate me, Jake, please don't."

Jake just shook his head, crawled towards me slowly. Everything moved in slow motion as he pried my knees apart, slipped himself between them and pressed his lips against mine again.

This time, I didn't process it in time but my body reacted without my say. My hands cupped his face, thumbs stroking his cheeks as I deepened the kiss. Jake threw his arms around my neck, all caution completely lost as I pushed him back, delving my tongue into every recess of his mouth. My shades fell of, bounced off Jake's damn face and neither of us bothered to react before I pushed him back into the couch, hovering over top of him with my elbows digging into the leather of the couch. Jake whimpered when I backed off him to breathe, a muffled moan replacing it when I returned to him.

"Fuck," Jake groaned as I trailed my kisses down his jawline and towards his neck, alternating between licks and soft bites. He tastes like sweat but somehow it doesn't matter because holy _shit_ this is actually happening.

...

"Oh God," Dirk mutters, his eyes shooting open.

"Yes, this is quite the predicament," you muse. "I suggest you run back and discuss last night's events with your-"

"Don't say it, oh my God."

"What? I was only going to say 'friend', dear brother," you grin, laying the sarcasm on heavily. Dirk glares at you and bolts from the room.

...

Your name is Dirk Strider and everything is going to hell.

You run back to your room as fast as you can but the memories keep coming back, every single detail of what happened.

Rose's interview worked too well.

...

Jake's shirt didn't last long, pulled off over his head as quickly as possible and tossed across the room. Jake rolled his hips up, crotches brushing against each other which earned a groan from us both. Jake's eyes narrowed and he pushed me off, and gave me a look that was almost _predatory_. He pushed me back into the couch, pinning me down with his hips and tearing my own shirt over my head and tossing it along with his.

Jake laid flat on top of me, as close as possible and kissed me deeper, harder, more feverishly. I fumbled with his belt and he paused for a moment, but copied my previous actions and started planting kisses and tiny bites along my jaw and neck.

Jake's kissing wasn't anything like I'd dreamt of. Like he said, he was inexperienced and his teeth continuously get in the way but there wasn't a thing about that I'd change when those tiny bites go just a bit deeper than he probably meant them to. Soon his belt was discarded on the floor next to the couch and his pants unbuttoned, sliding slowly down and guided by my thumbs hooked in his belt loops. It took a second for them to make it over his ass and his hand jumped to my wrist, iron-grip to stop me from moving further.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, voice husky. Jake's eyes met mine and I saw the hesitation. I reached up and kissed him softly for only a second. "We don't have to do anything if you don't want to."

Jake paused and shook his head, resuming his former activities. I managed to slide his shorts off pretty easily after that as his kisses dipped further and further, tongue darting back and forth over my collarbone. I groaned and urged Jake to kick the shorts off altogether. As soon as they landed on the floor, I palmed Jake through his underwear. Now that I was _not_ expecting; spandex, athletic fit and not a lot of breathing room left.

Jake shuddered under my touch and the kissing stopped, replaced with heavy breaths ghosting over my skin. I shivered and he flicked open the button of my pants, the side of his hand pushing my zipper down as he reached towards my crotch. He palmed me through my own underwear (though mine are boxers) and I couldn't help but moan. We hovered there for a few minutes, just rubbing and moaning into each other's shoulders. I slipped my hand under Jake's wasitband and took him into my hand, and the moan imprinted itself onto my brain forever.

...

You throw open the door to your room, eyes immediately shooting to the figure on the other side of the room. Jake is facing out the window, a blanket draped over his shoulders. His arms are crossed and he's holding the blanket in place, covering himself. He turns slowly, his eyes meeting yours, emotionless.

"Hey, Jake."

"Hello."

...

Before I could register what was happening, Jake and I were both completely naked and had somehow stumbled onto my bed. I flashstepped and locked the door and was back on Jake before he could whisper my name. I took both of our lengths into my hand and rubbed them together, Jake's groan more delicious than I could ever describe. I felt myself drooling as I measured up (I'm a guy, don't fucking judge me for being curious). Jake had a couple inches on me but mine was thicker, my hand barely fit around the combined mass and I crawled backwards. Jake and I shared eye contact as I trailed down his torso, planting kisses around his nipple and down the ridge at the center of his chest. Then down his stomach, which flinches backwards as his chest rises and falls in anticipation. 

I bypass the short hairs above his length and lap my tongue lazily across the top of the shaft. Jake groaned and curled his fingers painfully into my hair.I took the head into my mouth, sucking gently. Jake gasped and his fist clenched and I think some hairs might have actually came out but I was too focused on every tiny sound coming out of Jake's mouth. If it weren't his tiny gasps and moans, all I could hear was the blood pumping through my ears. I hollowed my cheeks and Jake nearly screamed before slapping a hand over his mouth to stifle it. Palace or not, someone's bound to hear something like that.

"Keep quiet if you want this to continue," I whispered. Jake nodded helplessly and silently urged me to keep going. I sucked strongly and Jake bit his top two fingers to contain himself.

Minutes later, Jake was begging to finish but every time I felt him tense I dropped off, replacing the sensation with kisses around the base of the shaft. Jake was begging silently, pleading with me to let him cum but I couldn't help but torture him just a little bit. My inner sadist was strong and I'd been waiting too long to be with Jake like this.

"Dirk, please," he pleaded. I merely shot him a smirk and crawled back up the length of his body, planting a brief kiss on his lips.

"I'll be right back."

Flash step to the bathroom, lube and a condom. Flash step back, Jake is panting and I opened the condom wrapper with my teeth. Jake watched and swallowed nervously.

"Jake, do you want the condom..." I paused. "Or me?"

Jake put his hand out, and I smiled and slipped it into his palm. His hands shook as he rolled it onto himself, and to be a tease I helped him along. He groaned as the condom rolled on, and I slathered my hand with lube. I turned away from Jake, my fingers dripping as I probed myself with a single finger. It'd been a long time since I'd done this and even the first finger stung going in, but soon I matched it with a second and then a third finger.

I felt Jake's eyes on my back, on my fingers as they slid in and out. I doubt he even blinked until I pulled them out altogether. I reached then for the bottle of lube, drizzling it down Jake's shaft to get it slick enough to make this work. He groaned and bit his hand again as my fingers wrapped around his length, up and down to get an even coat. Jake was begging to finish by now but I refused to let him, stroking slowly until I knew he was in control of himself.

Eventually I straddled his hips, one hand on the base of Jake's dick to keep it perfectly upright and the other on the bedspread. I lowered myself gently, rolling my hips on it to get a feel for how bad this was gonna hurt. Eventually I stood it straight up and teased my hole with just the head. Jake whimpered and I felt him try to buck up so I pinned his hips down with my thighs as best I could.

"Fuck, Strider, _please_ ," he begged. Tears gathered at the corners of his eyes in sheer agony and pleasure, who knows which was at the front of his mind. "I need..."

"I know." I braced myself and lowered slowly onto Jake's lap. The head pushed past the first ring of muscle and I had to pause to contain myself because _fuck_ this was not going to be easy. Jake wouldn't stop squirming from the pressure, muttering about how tight and warm and all that other dirty shit that went straight to my dick.

It couldn't have been more than three minutes or so, but it felt like an eternity before Jake was fully sheathed inside of me. He groaned in frustration as I sat there, completely motionless, trying to adjust.

"Strider, please just fucking _move_ , gah!" he groaned.

"Give me a sec," I pleaded. "This isn't easy, you know. I'm basically going off fanfiction here."

"Huh?"

"Nothing, shut up."

Moments later, I rocked my hips forward and Jake nearly screamed again. I leaned up and kissed him to keep him quiet, Jake starting to slide out a little so I reached back and made sure it stayed exactly where I wanted. Jake was almost crying from the complete ecstasy, eyes rolling back into his head.

I shifted around but was having no luck. Isn't there supposed to be some sort of sweet spot? So far all I'm getting is a whole lot of awkward pressure and unbelievably sexy groans from Jake. I sighed, resting for a moment.

Jake was having absolutely none of that. I should have known something was up when his hands wrapped around my lower back, flipping me onto my back with a dull thud.

His hands landed on either side of my face, curling into my hair soon after and his elbows digging into the bedspread. His eyes locked with mine and he smirked, fucking _smirked_ at me. I'd never seen Jake make a face like that and I wanted to frame it.

Jake was taking control and I was to have no say in the matter, that much was obvious. He pulled my legs over his shoulders and wrapped his arms behind my knees and ordered me to hold onto the headboard so he doesn't break my fucking neck.

Then Jake drew out as far as he could before slamming in with every bit of force he had. The frame knocked against the wall, my head hit the board and my insides lit up like goddamn Christmas.

So _that's_ the sweet spot.

Jake pulled out and did it again, pausing after each thrust to feel me quiver under him because he knew what he was doing to me. Each time my toes curled and my nails drew lines on his back, a chewed my bottom lip trying to keep from calling out to him. Jake watched every expression I made but my eyes refused to focus, too much pleasure running up and down my spine repeatedly each time he moved.

Eventually these single thrusts weren't doing it for him. As much as he liked to watch me squirm, Jake was clearly becoming restless.

He started a slow rhythm, rather than striking my prostate aggressively it was a gentle tease with each one that still made my breath hitch. Jake was getting close, I could feel it building inside of us both. He started to speed up, thrusts only occasionally missing their mark and fortunately for me those times were starting to become fewer and farther between. He was getting good, too good because he had the exact angle he needed to make me scream memorized and he was _toying_ with me, revenge for when I was sucking him off earlier.

We wouldn't be much longer, we both knew that. Jake and I were both panting, sweaty messes and shaking with the anticipation of the orgasms quickly catching up to us. Jake was determined to make me cum first, though, yet any attempt to touch myself was met with him smacking my hand away. _He_ would be the one to finish me off, and he would fight me to make that happen.

I was done, stick a fork in me. Jake shortened his thrusts and doubled his pace. Instead of drawing out, Jake barely backed away from that spot before slamming back into it. By the time I realized what was happening I was afraid he'd fucking bruise it. My entire body lit up like fire and I saw stars and I still wasn't there yet, just teetering on the edge and desperate to jump off just to get that _release_.

Jake was feeling merciful, and with one last push against my prostate I came. I was blessed with the image of watching Jake's eyes as I came onto our stomachs, more than I'd ever came before spurting out onto us. Jake continued to thrust, and with every contact with my prostate came another wave of pleasure on top of us.

I felt myself clench around Jake as I rode out my orgasm and he gasped at it, and I felt his entire body tremble on top and inside of me as the condom grew heavy with his load. Jake continued to thrust, driving me damn near insanity until he was soft still inside of me.

He was panting and I almost wanted him to just leave it in if it meant he wouldn't move from this spot, but it was growing progressively more uncomfortable and he managed to pry himself out a few seconds later. Jake carefully peeled the condom off, slick with sweat and far heavier than it was when we began. He tied it off at my instruction and dropped it carefully into the trash can beside my bed.

I still couldn't catch my breath, and Jake was very aware of what a mess I was after he made me cum so hard. His eyelids began to shut and I asked him to grab me something to clean myself off with. He nodded and offered his underwear, but I shook my head and told him to grab mine since I could just get more. He nodded and crossed the room on shaky legs to get it for me.

The bed was cold until Jake got back, crawling in bed next to me. Before I could take the boxers from him, he reached over and carefully began to wipe it off as best he could. It was sticky, warm and hard to get me clean, and the boxers were almost soaked through by the time he finished but finally I was at least semi-presentable. Jake seemed satisfied as well and dropped them into the waste on top of the condom. Probably not a bad idea.

"...thanks," I whispered, half from wanting to be quiet and half because my voice hurts from all the screams I couldn't let out. Jake smiled and leaned forward again, hand reaching around my neck to pull me into a chaste kiss. I sucked on his bottom lip for just a moment before he pulled back and occupied the pillow next to mine.

In seconds Jake was asleep. I could feel myself drifting too, but first I had to see Jake's face. His eyes were closed and his features gentle, polar opposite from mere minutes ago. It was almost serene now, but sleep was tugging me down with Jake.

I was gone seconds later.

...

In hindsight, you would never have accepted that whiskey. Because you've just fucked up the best friendship you've ever had.

"I think we need to talk," you tell Jake, stating the plainly obvious. Jake looks away for a second and the blanket slips off one of his shoulders for a second. You spot the bright red lines across the room and your breath catches in your throat.

"Yes, I do believe you're right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah that happened. Only took me a few hours, too, and I was actually quite happy with how this turned out.
> 
> I know I just put Chapter 3 up earlier today (yesterday I guess, but I haven't slept so it's still today ya feel me) but I couldn't let this one just sit here because hot damn it went well.
> 
> This is going to be the start of an extremely brief hiatus for me because of a few factors:
> 
> 1) I have several assignments due soon that require my attention  
> 2) My con is coming up, my costume isn't done and that shit needs to get done  
> 3) Homestuck is apparently coming back??? Idk but that's gonna take up some time as well  
> 4) Let's not even mention Supernatural S10 premier k
> 
> So yeah there's that. Hopefully porn will tide you over because I know that's what you all want. Leave comments and kudos if you like :)
> 
> (SOMEONE REMIND ME TO CHANGE THE RATING JFC)


	5. Jake: Wake Up Already

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So remember when I said it would be a brief hiatus? Lol
> 
> So after the convention, I. Was. Drained. Writing was not on my mind for like ages, and it was exhausting and it just did not happen. Honestly this chapter probably isn't all that great but you'll at least get the general idea of what's supposed to have happened...I'm really sorry it took so long ;A; I'll try to be better for the next one!!

Your name is Jake English, and you're putting the pieces back together.

You barely remember your name when you wake up in the morning, glasses at an undisclosed location and stark naked in Dirk Strider's bed. Your head was killing you from just the tiny bit of light shining from between the curtains and your entire body felt heavy, exhausted. What had you been up to all night that got you in a state like this?

Dirk was nowhere to be found when you finally sat up, every muscle tense from overuse. You felt hot lines down your back and you had no idea where your clothes were, nor why they were off in the first place. You hadn't slept in the buff in years, and it seems quite rude to do so at someone else's house. Especially Dirk's, the royal bloody palace.

"Dirk? You there?" you ask, voice raspy. It hits you that you're damn thirsty, throat raw from God only knows what. You can imagine what this would look like to someone looking in, you waking up nude in another man's bed. Preposterous!

You drop your legs slowly off the large bed, one foot after the next. One step away from the bed, and your foot lands in something cold and sticky.

"What in the...?"

It's a pair of Dirk's boxers. You lift your foot slowly, not exactly savoring the feeling under your foot. The underwear is soaked through, and the substance is unmistakable.

"Oh my God," you gasp. No, no that could not have happened last night. It just couldn't have!

You stand, blanket wrapped around yourself to fight the cold. Your clothes aren't near the bed, probably tossed far from the bed if your assumptions are right. You take a quick look around but you don't see them anywhere.

Something out the window catches your eye, and you walk slowly across the room. Roxy is walking across the lawn, trash bag clutched in one hand. There doesn't seem to be much in the bag, and since when does the Princess take out her own garbage? That was rather odd.

The door behind you swings open and Dirk barges in, only slightly more dressed than you. His eyes are glued wide open, that burning orange evident as ever.

"Hey, Jake," he says slowly.

"Hello," you reply, numb.

"I think we need to talk," says Dirk. You flinch and your fingers fumble, and the blanket drops down a few inches before you catch it. Dirk's eyes are locked on your back and you sneak a peek; those are unmistakable fingernail scratches.

"Yes, I do believe you're right."

Dirk shuffled his feet awkwardly, it didn't suit him. You knew Dirk to be confident, self-assured, but now he's tripping over himself. He's nervous, hands shaking visibly, and he doesn't meet your gaze again.

"I, uh," you begin slowly. "It's all a bit blurry, but I think I've pieced together what...went on last night."

"Yeah, took me a bit, too," Dirk admits sheepishly. "Listen man, I-"

"Save it, Dirk," you wave off. "You don't have to apologize for something that was clearly both of our faults."

You look at Dirk again, but he doesn't look back. His arms are locked to his sides, hands balled into shaking fists. His eyes are down, almost closed, and you can almost see the gears grinding in his head. "How much do you remember, Jake?"

You run over last night quickly in your head. "Clearly?" He nods. "We were sitting over by the TV. And we played Never Have I Ever. Then you told me that you were..." you hesitated, and Dirk flinches visibly. "From there it's just fragments, but it's not hard to piece together."

Dirk clearly isn't happy that you remember his secret, and you watch as he tries to chew a hole through his cheeks. You get why he's so concerned, what with his status and everything, but he must know that it doesn't matter to you.

Especially not to Drunk Jake, you realize, but you keep that to yourself.

You don't even know what to do with the situation, to be honest. You slept with your best friend, your _male_ best friend. You've never even once considered doing such a thing, yet only days after first meeting Dirk in person, this is how you respond?

But then, what must Dirk have been thinking when it was happening? Surely he was smashed, too, but Dirk is far more intelligent than you. He should have known the consequences, so what would have made him sacrifice logic to do this? It boggles the mind.

"Jake, can you put your fucking clothes on, please?" Dirk half-growls. "I-I can't..." Dirk huffs. "I can't _focus_ on you when you're all..."

It all hits you at once that you're still fucking naked, half-covered by Dirk's blanket. You flinch and nearly drop the damn thing, scrambling to keep your naughty bits under wraps (you think you succeeded, but Dirk's blushing may suggest otherwise). "I can't find my clothes."

"What? But I threw them over there..." he mused aloud, and if Dirk's expression is anything to go off of, it must feel as odd on his tongue as it does on your ears.

You fucked _Dirk Strider_ , the Prince. This entire situation is just...

"They're not here," Dirk mumbles just loud enough for you to hear. "Why aren't your clothes here?"

You suddenly realize why Roxy was taking out the trash. "Oh my God."

You explain what you saw to Dirk, and he swears multiple times under his breath (you think in several languages), and storms out of the room. "B-But, Dirk!"

"Just grab some of mine, I'll be back."

Dirk throws a shirt over his head and slams the door behind him. You sigh and sit back on the bed, and run your fingers through your hair to try and just _think_.

"What the hell do I do now?" you ask yourself. You can't just sit here and wait for Dirk. You know that you have to talk to him about what happened, but you need to sort through...whatever you're feeling right now. Honestly it feels like a bad hangover and a whole lot of nothing. Shock, maybe? Surely Drunk Jake must have felt _something_ for Dirk last night, but now all you can think about is how good greasy food tastes.

You don't like Dirk... _that_ way. He's your best bro, but you simply can't imagine him like that. Hell, you've never given much thought to being in any kind of 'relationship' with someone who wasn't blue, and like that was ever going to happen.

What do you tell Dirk? "Sorry for shagging you while I was drunk, but I'm straight and you aren't blue"? What if Dirk actually _likes_ you? No, you shouldn't think things like that, it makes you sound conceded just thinking that way. The most likely thing is that you were both drunk and got caught up in it all.

Still, something is nagging at the back of your mind. Isn't alcohol only supposed to impair judgment, not briefly alter sexuality? Sure, lots of people probably experiment with this sort of thing, but it seems a bit unlikely that most people jump straight into the sack with their best friend, it's insane! This entire SITUATION is insane!

"I'm so confused!" you groan. A knock comes at the door, and you quickly stand and cover yourself with the blanket. It opens slowly but Dirk isn't standing there, but Dave. You don't know the younger Strider very well, but he seems a bit shocked to see you in such a state.

"Uh what."

...

Your name is Dirk Strider and you are going to _**skin Roxy the fuck alive**_.

You pound on her door three times, and it opens slowly to reveal a very disheveled and sleepy looking Roxy. Her usually-perfect hair is frizzy and her makeup nonexistant save for remnants of last night's eyeliner. "Dirk? What are you doing?"

"Don't play sleepy, Rox, Jake saw you taking out the trash," you snap. Roxy grumbles and drops the act immediately, gesturing for you to enter her room. You follow and close the door (a bit louder than you probably had to), and she flops back on her bed.

"So he saw me taking out some trash, what's the big deal?"

"What was in the bag?" you ask semi-politely. "Because Jake is missing a couple of things."

"So I tossed out some shit I found on the floor, what's the big deal?" she grins. "Shouldn't have been there in the first place. Bad manners to leave someone else's room in such a mess."

"Roxy, you can't just throw out Jake's clothes. That's fucked up, seriously," you sigh. "You know that we..."

"Ayup, I sure do. Half the palace probably does," she comments and you feel your lungs collapse simultaneously. She clearly sees your distress and corrects herself. "I'm kidding! I was walking by and heard the...creaking." Roxy shivers. "Anyway, once it was all said and done, I did you a favor."

"But the door was locked, how did you even...?"

"Please, you think I can't pick a lock? How do you think I get into Mom's liquor cabinet?" Roxy scoffs.

"Okay, point, but how is this a favor? If anything you just fucked Jake out of fifty bucks worth of clothes."

"So pay him back, who cares," Roxy sighs. "But, I did two things for you mister. One, I made sure Jake didn't run out on you before you could talk out your feelings and all that sappy shit." She grins, and you think about that one; okay, that's probably fair. It's not definite that Jake would have run out, but him being naked definitely couldn't hurt your chances of keeping him around.

"Okay, that's one for two," you admit begrudgingly. "What's the second?"

"Well, he can't just go home all nakey. So you get to see him wearing your clothes."

"..." you feel your entire mouth go dry. "Fucking shit."

"Yeah. You're welcome," she says smugly, folding her arms over her chest with a proud smile.

"Gotta go, thanks a ton, etcetera," you quickly spit out, turning and all but sprinting out the room.

You make it back to your room in seconds (thank God for flashstepping), and open it slowly and pretend like you didn't make a mad dash for it. On the other side, Jake is already dressed in a orange tank-top and a pair of loose sweatpants (they're hanging low on his hips oh dear God). And sitting next to him on the couch is Dave.

"Bro, what the fuck are you doing in here?"

...

Your name is Jake English, and Dave is staring at you.

"Oh Jesus, you fucked Bro didn't you," he deadpans. Unsure how to react, you just laugh nervously and scratch the back of your head. Dave scoffed. "Saw that coming a mile away. Get some clothes on, you look like shit."

You don't know why, but you just nod and retreat to Dirk's closet. He said to get dressed, but you don't want to take anything you think Dirk might want to wear. You grab a pair of sweatpants folded on top of his dresser; they don't look like they've been worn in a while, they should do. Then an orange tank that looks like one of the smallest things in here, but Dirk is taller than you so no matter what it's going to be kind of baggy. You decide that it's probably as good as it's going to get, and slip it over your head.

You take a moment to snoop around in Dirk's closet. It's huge, a walk-in that's almost as big as your bedroom back on the island. Most of the clothes on hangers are formal stuff; button-ups, vests, jackets, slacks. Under those are a rack of nicely polished shoes. This must be the kind of thing Dirk wears when he has to be all Prince-ly.

That's still an image you're trying to wrap your head around; sure, he's told you, and you're in the palace. Hell, you've _slept_ with the guy and you still can't picture him as royalty. He's just too...relaxed. About _everything_. He's always cool, collected, aloof, it's weird imagining him in a position of authority.

Come to think of it, only twice have you seen Dirk lose his cool; last night during Never Have I Ever, and this morning. And both situations revolved around you.

You reckon that means something, but you push it from the front of your mind; it's too soon to be sorting stuff like that out.

"Yo are you dead in there or are you too busy sniffing my brother's panties?" Dave calls and you nearly choke on your own tongue.

"I'm rather doubtful that your brother is in possession of any women's underwear!" you call back, trying to protect Dirk a little. Dave laughs and doesn't respond, and you sigh and head out of the closet.

"Well isn't that symbolic," Dirk mutters as you emerge. You don't get it for a moment until you look behind you.

"Oh haha, very funny, Dave," you snicker sarcastically. "I am not coming out of the closet."

"Yeah, I know. You're so far back you're probably sticking it in Prince Caspian," he jokes.

"Was that a Chronicles of Narnia reference?" you ask and Dave nods. "I admit I'm impressed."

"Yeah we can discuss horrible movie adaptations later, for now let's talk about you," Dave says, patting the seat next to him. "So you and Bro?"

You sigh and sit down, hanging your head. "Yes, I suppose so. It just sort of...happened." You can't see his eyes behind those blasted aviators, but you feel Dave blinking at you expectantly. "We were drunk and things just sort of...spiraled."

"Ah, I get it," Dave sighs. "So you take a few shots and decide to take it in the ass. It's okay, we've _totally_ all been there."

"I'll have you know that I did not-!"

"Whoa, don't need the details about your debauchery," Dave sighs, turning away. He slowly looks back over, curious. "Seriously, Bro bottoms?"

"We're getting a bit off track..." you mutter.

"Right, sorry," said Dave. "Anyway, I came in to ask about your hot sister but this takes priority. What are you going to do?"

"I'm not sure," you admit. "If this had been planned, I might have an answer for you, but...gah, it's all so messed up."

"Yeah, I get you," Dave says. "Just listen to me for a sec, will you? I'm about to drop all irony so flash photography is strictly prohibited." You nod, choosing to ignore the obvious attempt to break the mood. "Dirk talks up all kinds of game, but if he slept with you, that doesn't mean he was drunk and horny. He's not like that."

"...what are you saying, Dave?" you whisper back.

"I'm saying that Bro doesn't do flings. Maybe it didn't occur to him at the time, but he'd thought about this before," he explains. You feel your throat close up and you realize in an instant what you've done; you've fucked up a thousand times worse than you thought.

"Bro, what the fuck are you doing in here?" You and Dave turn around in unison to see Dirk standing in the doorway. His eyes scan up and down your body and suddenly you're defensive, and you fold your arms over your chest instinctually.

"I was trying to badger English into giving me his sister's phone number, but I guess Pesterchum's gonna have to do," Dave sighed dramatically, a terrible lie. "Anyway, I'll leave you two to do...whatever."

Dave nodded discreetly to you and headed out the room, offering a fist bump to Dirk which was completely denied. Smirking, Dave closed the door behind him, leaving you and Dirk alone in his room.

"So...that happened, huh?" Dirk half-laughs. You swallow and nod, trying to think of what to say. "Look, I know it's a little late for pillow talk, but, uh...I just want to say I'm sorry."

You blink twice. "You're...sorry?"

"Yeah, I feel like a total dick," Dirk sighs. "You were drunk and I took advantage of you. I don't know what got into me, and it was completely inappropriate. It won't happen again, I swear."

You take a few moments to process that. Dirk is _apologizing_? You figured he would be too proud to do something like that, much less offer one so whole-heartedly. Not to mention what Dave said; did Dirk really like you like that? If so, you'd unwittingly played his emotions and _he's_ the one apologizing?

No. You simply cannot stand for that!!

"Dirk, you don't need to apologize," you say to him. "I shouldn't have let things get as far as they did. It was wrong for me to play with your feelings, and I'm sorry."

"My feelings?" Dirk said. He swallowed his tongue for a moment. "Dude, this isn't a 'feelings' thing. I was drunk and horny. I didn't mean for anything to happen, it just sort of did."

Dirk just contradicted everything that Dave just told you about him. Who should you believe? You can't imagine Dave having any reason to lie about this, but you've known Dirk for far longer; shouldn't you trust him first? That's what a good friend would do.

You'll think about it more later. You'll also choose to ignore that it stung a bit when Dirk said those things.

"Yeah, I get it," you murmur. "Sorry." Dirk half-chuckles to try and break the tension, and you shuffle your feet. "Listen, I should probably go..."

"Yeah. If I, uh, find your clothes I'll clean them and get them back," Dirk said, shuffling his feet a bit. You nod. That'll have to do, you guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ughhh I hated the way this turned out but it's here, it's out there, oh well. If you deem me worthy, please Kudos, Comment (Those are my favorites 0u0), Bookmark, etc etc. Sorry if it wasn't what you were waiting for, but next WILL BE BETTER >:)


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